What kills me is that some phobias are made. Yes it is a trend to be afraid of clowns, small spaces, spiders, and so on. I say these will never come close to a true phobia, ever. Want to know what a phobia feels like? Try facing multiple things youre afraid of at one time. This terrible sensation is much like the feeling you get when facing a phobia. I guess I can say that because I have felt both. Let me tell ya, Im not a fan of thunder/lightning unless Im "at home" (meaning Im at a place I feel comfortable in such as my grandparents house. I dont have the same feeling at the in-laws house or my own house quite yet.) I absolutely hate it when it is too quiet. By too quiet, I mean no sounds which is probably caused by living in a suburban/city area and will get me when I go country (at night anyway.) I dislike small spaces. If I can touch the walls around me, it is too small and have a distaste for the dark. I have lived with a phobia forever and the only thing that has come close to that terrible feeling is when I was using a restroom at the movies. There had been some power outages in that area which kind of freaked me out. Low and behold, I had to use the restroom. Seeing as this was a midnight release (and we were there early...we being my boyfriend and me) there was hardly anyone there. Great! So...I go to potty. I was left in this ultra quiet restroom all by myself in a tiny stall with the possibility of a power outage coming. You bet your behind I was freaked out! However this is only how one would feel at the beginning of encountering a phobia.
The worst thing about a phobia is that you know your fear is unreasonable and any funky formula you come up with to make your fear reasonable is usually a basic fear of everyone else. On top of that, things that look bad are often just things that look bad but are nowhere near as terrible as they sound. Example: I have always feared being in a terrible accident so I dont drive. Im clumsy and often daze. Truth be told, most people fear being in a terrible accident and nobody is perfect. Otherwise we wouldnt stare at a green light and not go when there are no other cars around us (I know some of yall have done that. I watch people do it all the time.) I know people that are terribly afraid of dogs, especially pit bulls and their basis for their fear is that dogs cause terrible bites. Yes some dogs do cause terrible bites and yes they do hurt. However not all dogs bite and believe it or not, those terrible bites are often better than those petty bites other animals give. This is because when we are allowed to bleed, our bodies can flush extra bacteria out. With a teeny cat bite, not so much. The same goes for a car. I was advancing pretty nicely at one point in time and learned about crumple zones. Yes accidents look bad but it is because cars are made to be broken. These crumple zones are there to absorb more energy so you dont have to.I was set back a couple of months ago and never picked back up. I was walking to work one beautiful day when I witnessed a pretty bad looking 3 car accident. There was a red car (heading the same way I was, no stop sign, and going approximately the speed limit of 55 but maybe a little slower,) a brown car turning left from a stop sign, and a silver car turning right. Clearly the reason why silver car hadnt moved was because red car was coming. But brown car decided to edge out anyway. Red car honked (I turned around) and brown car proceeded to pull out, giving about 30 feet to stop. I took off running as the three cars flew at me. I turned around to see red car still sliding at me. It was spinning and eventually went into the suicide lane, completely smashed up. The three passengers got up and walked out. Shortly after, their car caught on fire. Brown car had one person that wasnt moving (possibly because everyone was glaring at her) and silver cars driver passed out for a quick minute. This got me thinking...yes this was a mess but everyone was able to walk in the end. Everyone was ok!
It made me think. Years before this, my sister was involved in a pile up. Her tiny Honda Civic was struck by a large SUV going about 50mph. Yes her car was destroyed and she did pass out. In fact, by the way her car was, it was believed she was dead. After the door was removed, she got up and walked away.
I know this isnt always the case but Im irritated at the fact that my arguments for everything hit the fan here. I have been suicidal and a self mutilator before...I keep telling myself that death is inevitable if not brought on by yourself. So why am I so afraid to drive? Whats the worst that could happen? I could die but at times I have wanted to do that anyway. So what the hell?
phobias dont make sense
I told myself that I would drive before it rained so I would be more confident while learning still. I failed myself. It is now pouring outside and I have to walk because I let myself down. And even if I did get a ride, I have still let myself down. Well world, I will be paying for lessons so I will be forced to go. Yes now that I have paid money, I will have to go right? Otherwise it is a waste!
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